I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
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