I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Randomize
