cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
