Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
