I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
