Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
