Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
