Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
