Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Randomize
