I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
