oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
