I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
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