At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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