My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
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