My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
