I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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