Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
