Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
