One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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