My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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