I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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