I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
