It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
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