all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
