And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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