Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us�
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
