if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
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