I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
