Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Randomize
