elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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