Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
In other news, I just burned my penis
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
