wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
