I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
