I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Randomize
