just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
