We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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