He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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