Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I have demons in me.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
