You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
