Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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