dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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