so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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