SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
