See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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