How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
