I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
