I cockslap morals
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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