You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
It's never too late to be topless.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
