i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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