haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
